The Humble Hazing of a Handyman
by Genius-626
Summary: Calhoun's troops need to make sure Felix is man enough to date their sergeant. How will Ralph feel about this? What will Calhoun do when she finds out? Rated T for "alcohol" and a few drunken situations. Pretty fluffy at the end for Hero's Cuties fans.


**A/N: What up Wreck-it Ralph fans? This actually turned out a little more serious then I initially intended, but it's still kinda fluffy at the end. Also, I'm making it so that characters can get drunk off of root beer.**

**For my few followers, I'm REALLY sorry that I haven't updated "Escape Into my Heart" for a while, writer's block is gnawing at my brain for the time being with that particular story. Hopefully writing some more fan fiction will get my head back in the game (?) **

**Anyway, enjoy and Happy New Year :D**

The Humble Hazing of a Handyman

Ralph was contentedly sitting alone at Tappers when he noticed Felix walk in, a bit nervous. The handyman would have missed Ralph completely if the wrecker hadn't waved one of his giant "ham hands" in his direction. Felix perked up a little at the familiar face and made his way towards Ralph, though a bit apprehensively.

"Hey there, brother! Didn't know you'd be here." Felix said, hopping up into a seat next to Ralph.

"Hey buddy," Ralph replied. "What are you doing at Tappers?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Felix countered. A root beer promptly slid across the table towards the oblivious handyman and Ralph stopped it for him, knowing how little Felix knew about this game. He handed Felix the drink and took a gulp of his own.

"I wasn't going to ask for a drink, don't have my wallet on me." Felix said a bit sheepishly.

"I'll put it on my tab, no problem." Ralph reassured him.

Felix nodded, remembering how often Ralph came here. Tapper's was really the only place a villain could be by themselves and not have to worry about criticism or questions from other characters. Felix could only imagine. Thirty years spending his after-hours at a bar, his own game not much of a home, and certainly not a place where he had many friends. It sounded downright miserable to the 8-bit hero.

With these thoughts swirling around in his head, Felix reached for his drink. He gripped the handle and lifted the mug with a little difficulty, it heavier than it looked. He cracked a nervous smile and looked up at Ralph.

"I thought you and Vanellope were going to Street Fighter's tonight." Felix said. "You've been planning it all week."

"Yeah, but Sour Bill had to rain on our parade. As 'president,' Vanellope has a few chores to do, making up the new government and all."

"Ah." Felix replied. "Interesting."

"So, what about you? Thought you had a date with the Calhoun tonight."

"Well…not quite." Felix admitted after a heavy sigh. Before he could explain, a handful of Hero's Duty troops came walking into the bar. Felix only shook his head when they spotted him. "I had to cancel with Tammy as part of this 'initiation' the boys want me to go through."

"Initiation?" Ralph asked, confused.

"They said that if I'm gonna date their sergeant, I've gotta be one of them. And to be one of them, I have to do more than fix windows."

"What? That's ridiculous." Ralph guffawed. "You and Calhoun have been dating for a couple weeks now. And you do _way_ more than fix windows. You've played their game before, and you _rock_ at shooting Cybugs! It's not like they can stop you from seeing her if you don't pass this 'initiation' or whatever."

The men were now surrounding them. Markowski was standing near Felix, giving Ralph the stink eye. Ralph just countered the same glare before the hand of another soldier, Green he believed, was slapped onto his shoulder.

"Is Wreck-it here trying to talk you out of this, Felix?" Green asked a bit slyly.

"No, sir." Felix replied. He turned to Ralph. "As much as I appreciate your concern, brother, I'm fine going through with this." He stood on his stool to be more or less at Ralph's eye level. "This squadron is like family to my Tammy, and if they want me to prove to them that I've got what it takes to be her man, then I can certainly try."

The men cheered in admiration while Ralph just rolled his eyes. 'Good old Felix, making every little thing sound noble.' Ralph thought to himself.

"I think he's ready." Kohut said. The soldier then motioned for Tapper to give them a round. Soon, there were six mugs, including Felix' untouched root beer.

"You've got five minutes to drink as much as you can before we head off to the next round." Green said, looking at his watch to monitor the time.

Felix gulped audibly, staring at the drinks in front of him. He'd never had more than a mug, and he didn't much like being buzzed by even that much. He was definitely going to get drunk off of this.

"Hey, this isn't fair at all!" Ralph cut in. "You guys could throw this back no problem, but have you seen this guy? He's a fourth your height! No offense, Felix."

"None taken." Felix replied hollowly, his eyes still glued to his challenge.

"That's nice big fella," Markowski said, "but if he's going to up and walk into the sarge's life, he's got to show us if he has the guts to be one of us."

"Your five minutes…" Green said. "…starts now."

…

Ten minutes later, they were in Hero's Duty, Felix drunk off his rocker and the troops leading them down some dark and narrow hallways. Ralph had been stunned to see Felix drink as much as he did, nearly finished every mug. They were lucky they'd picked a holiday weekend to do this; the hangover from this would make working a complete nightmare.

And he knew Felix couldn't fix a hangover, they'd tried with Gene already.

Ralph had a bit of a hard time following the group. They were almost jogging now, one man carrying Felix over their shoulder, so it was almost like they were trying to lose him. Either way, they ended up in what looked to be an abandoned laboratory. Ralph had never been this far into the game and he couldn't decide whether all the futuristic technology and destroyed landscapes was impressive, or disturbing.

Ralph looked around everywhere, exploring with the foreign territory with his eyes. He dared not touch a thing, remembering the first last he'd come into this war zone of an arcade game. Absentmindedly, he walked right into what felt like glass and looked up, nearly screaming and jumping back. Just inches away from him was a swarm of Cybugs, alive and glowing a menacing bright green, teeth clashing like knives and pincers jabbing at the invisible barrier between them.

"Relax, big boy, it can't hurt you." Kohut said. "They're in a Nano-Plexiglas cage. We keep them here to experiment on them, figure out how they tic. After the fiasco you made, we figured it might be wise to find a way to maybe link them to the game. In a few years, we may find a way to make it so that they'll die if they try to leave for the Station."

"Ok, then." Ralph said, dusting himself off. "Then why'd you bring us here?" He took a quick glance at Felix, who was still slung over someone's shoulder, drunkenly trying to get the man to let him down.

"We're going to let them out one by one. If Felix can kill most of them, then he's passed our test."

Ralph's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He looked at everyone to make sure he wasn't mistaken. "Wait, you're gonna just…just free a bunch of man eating bugs on a discombobulated handyman?"

The man holding Felix set him on his feet, but he fell over soon enough. "I can fix it, Ralph. Noooo problem…" Felix slurred and trailed off, trying to stand again.

"He can't even stand up right!" Ralph protested. "You can't do this!"

"Our house, our rules." Green said. "Guys, take him outside and make sure he doesn't get in the way of Felix' initiation."

Two of the men nodded and proceeded in dragging Ralph outside of the lab. Ralph fought back, but was more or less useless against the soldiers' combined strength.

When they entered the hallway, Ralph broke free of them and ran for it, hoping to lose them and find Calhoun. She'd end this madness.

It was a few moments into his task when he realized that he didn't know where Calhoun's office was, or if she even had one. Just then, one of the men had found him. Just one. He was running at the wrecker, but the soldier was no match for Ralph's plummeting fist. The soldier was defeated in seconds.

"Where's Calhoun?" Ralph demanded.

The soldier lifted a weak arm in one direction. "Down the hall and to the left."

Without another word, Ralph was down the hall and to the left.

…

Calhoun was pacing in her office.

_Pacing_.

Felix had cancelled their date just twenty minutes ago saying that he had some business to take care of. _Business?_ Since when does he have _business _to take care of? He hadn't even mentioned if it was among the Nicelanders or with another game, but she'd trusted him. After all, he had lived in the arcade for far longer then she had, so there was definitely some credibility there. But to not even mention what kind of business it was…he usually shared everything with her, so what could he possibly be doing now that he couldn't tell her about?

She hadn't bothered changing out of her armor after he'd cancelled, she was too curious. No, worried was a better word for it. She'd almost had the mind to follow him, but was initially conflicted. Trust was important in the kind of relationship that had quickly developed between them. She didn't want to jeopardize that. Either way, she was still restless beyond belief.

An urgent knock came pounding from the door, heightening her already fringed nerves. She rushed to the door and was utterly surprised to see Ralph breathless in front of her. Her mind immediately went to Felix.

"Wreck-it? What are you—"

"The troops *wheeze* have Felix in the *wheeze* lab with the Cybugs—" He paused, straightening himself out.

"What?!" Calhoun nearly shouted in frustrated confusion. "That's a prohibited area!" She marched back inside for her gun. "What in Litwak's are they doing in there?"

"They're hazing him into the squadron…or something." Ralph answered, having caught his breath. "They got him drunk, and now they expect him to shoot straight."

Calhoun froze where she stood for a moment, a memory attacking her senses. Remembering the urgency, she quickly snapped out of it and sped out of her office in anguish. She was too furious to realize that she'd been right in worrying about Felix; right in wanting to follow him. Slamming the door shut, she bolted to the lab, no more questions asked, Ralph following close behind her.

…

Felix was not in his right mind. His vision was blurred, his stomach was lurching, and his pride would not let him put down the gun. Cybugs were everywhere and nowhere all at once, bullets were flying and he couldn't care less that he was in some real danger.

Or so he thought.

Before he knew it, the gun was kicked out of his hands and the Cybugs had stopped coming. He couldn't feel his legs, and he couldn't remember when he'd hit the ground. A stern voice echoed behind him just before a shadow loomed over his head. The darkness was comforting, and it only got darker as he blacked out.

…

Calhoun glared at the wreckage around her, not making eye contact with her men as she ordered them to get into a line. It was dead silent as she made her way to Felix, Ralph having picked him up off the floor after he'd passed out. She reached a hand to his chin and examined his face, then glanced down at the rest of his body. He seemed unscathed besides a few bruises from falling on his own accord, but she'd be more thorough later, after she gave her troops a stern talking to.

"Get him to my office." She told Ralph. He left with a nod.

Her eyes then met with Kohut's. He held her stare with respect, like he always did, but he stood before her as if he'd done nothing wrong. The situation was too familiar, she silently cursed at herself for not having expected this kind of behavior from her men. She stepped closer to him, her voice low and furious.

"State your business violating at least seven different protocols, lieutenant! I want to know why you intoxicated a civilian, brought him to a prohibited area and proceeded to lead him into a death trap!"

"He was in no real danger, Ma'am." Kohut replied. "We loaded his gun with blanks and were killing the Cybugs ourselves."

"That doesn't answer my question!" Calhoun continued. "That the exact same answer he'd given her last time.

"It was a test, Ma'am."

"Yes, I know about the hazing to get into your little club." She hissed irritably. "He's a civilian from another game, this kind of behavior is unacceptable!"

Kohut seemed physically unaffected by the sergeant's reprimands and continued explaining himself. "We wanted to see if he'd go through with whatever we told him to do, which he did, proving to us how dedicated he his. We were also testing his friend's loyalty. By standing up for him this entire time, Ralph passed as well." He paused, the look in his eye changing ever so slightly towards compassion. "You showed us just how much he means to you."

Still enraged, Calhoun took Kohut's helmet from his hand and slammed him in the face with it. The soldier recoiled expectantly. He glanced to the others before looking back at Calhoun, a small smile on his face. "We wanted to make sure."

Calhoun narrowed her eyes at him, her feet frozen where she stood, one unspoken question ringing in her ears. "You needed to make sure of _what_?"

"That Felix was right for you." He answered. "We just want what's best for you."

Calhoun was almost too furious to think twice about the situation. They'd _anticipated_ her anger because they wanted to witness just how far she would go to protect the handyman; just how furious it would make her that they'd put him in danger. They went against protocol just to prove to themselves that Felix really is right for her; that Felix would fight for her just like any one of them would have.

She couldn't help but remember when they had hazed Brad into their group. That had been much worse, he'd been stripped of his armor and almost all of his clothing. He was drunk and shooting real bullets without help. The memory almost made Calhoun smile at its initial hilarity, but she held it in, still somewhat angry with them. They really had put some thought into the whole ordeal, she had to give them that.

She finally had the mind to speak. "You may have taken precautions, but something could have gone wrong. Furthermore…" she paused, taking time to meet every soldier's eye. A small smirk spread across her mouth. "You should trust me when I make my own decisions about dating."

They all got the hint, but knew they weren't completely off the hook when she started shouting out orders. "All of you are on guard duty for the rest of the weekend! No one, and I mean no one, leaves this game. Got it?"

They all complied with a "Yes, Ma'am!"

…

Felix woke up with the worst headache he'd ever had in his life. It didn't immediately occur to him that he couldn't remember anything that'd happened before he'd apparently passed out, nor did he realize that he was not in his own bed. He tried sitting up, groaning all the way through the process. A hand reached out and onto his chest from beside him and he jumped in surprise, not having realized that another person was in bed with him.

"Relax, it's just me." Calhoun said in a soft voice.

As much as he wanted to protest, a number of questions swimming around in his mind, his head ache was too much to fight. He leaned into her touch as she sat up and helped him do the same by wrapping a strong arm around him. She then reached over to the nightstand and handed him a big glass of water.

"Drink it all." She said.

With those words, he instantly remembered the events of earlier that night. He grew nervous for a moment before complying and drinking the entire glass. When he'd finished, they settled back into bed, Calhoun protectively holding Felix close, though not too tightly. They'd never done this before, but he was too tired to care.

"How long was I asleep?" Felix asked, wanting to know how she felt about the whole situation. He'd feel awkward if he didn't feel so sick, and right now she was rubbing small circles on his back, so he figured that she couldn't be too bothered by any of this.

"Only a few hours." She said. "It's not even morning yet."

It was silent between them for a few moments, Felix nearly surrendering to sleep, but there was more he needed to tell her. "I'm sorry to put you through this." He gave a faint laugh. "I never drink more than a sip."

"I figured."

He could hear the smile in her voice, which he was grateful for, but remembered hearing her yelling at the troops. "Don't be angry with them, they—"

"Only wanted what was best for me. I know, but that doesn't mean they went about it the right way. You could've gotten hurt."

Felix sighed. "I know."

It was silent again.

"Why did you?" She asked softly. "Go through with it, I mean? You could have easily ignored them, I wouldn't have let them get in between us."

"It wasn't about them getting between us, Tammy, that was never what they were after." He said, looking up into her eyes. "You mean a lot to them. They care about you like family. You see, they told me about Brad and how much his memory affects you. If affects them too, they feel like they've lost a comrade. So, I wanted to go through with it." He sat up a little and reached a hand to caress the side of Calhoun's face. "I don't want to replace Brad, but I want to fix what I can. No one should live with this much pain programmed into their code."

Calhoun was speechless, so she let her actions speak volumes. She leaned up and kissed him, softly at first. She reached up and pulled him closer, deepening their connection. He eventually fell on top of her, but didn't dare break the kiss.

Neither knew how long they were like this, but they eventually pulled away for air. Felix rested his head just under hers and wrapped his arms around her middle, falling asleep in seconds. Calhoun lied awake for some time, running her fingers through the handyman's fine hair. How she could have lived without this man, she didn't know. She whispered three words to him that she'd wanted to tell him for days now. She knew he couldn't hear her now, so maybe she'd tell him again in the morning.

**I'd love some feedback regarding characterization and plot. I was trying to make this as light hearted and in-character as possible. Is it realistic to the movie or too much? Your opinion is much appreciated. **

**And just to clarify, I'm completely against hazing of any kind, especially if it involves alcohol. I'm a part of a dry and anti-hazing sorority, so naturally, I implore you to make wise decisions with your time. **

**Anyway, (for the norm), Praise, flame or ignore the review box to your heart's content. **


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